Diary Of A Pregnancy

The arrival of a new baby dramatically changes the dynamics within the family. In years gone by, families lived in close-knit communities and everyone helped everyone else. Grandparents often lived nearby and were available to help with childcare on the odd occasion that the parents were occupied elsewhere. Nowadays, of course, many women work in full-time employment, at least until the birth of their first baby, but they often live some distance away from other family members, and some new parents have very little readily available, local help.

Grandparents can be a help or a hindrance, depending on how far away you live from them, your relationship with them prior to and during your pregnancy and how much help they want to give and you wish to accept. If your mother or mother-in-law offers advice only when you ask for it, you will welcome her involvement, and older women have much to offer in the way of personal life experiences.

They can also be a little more objective than you at this stage, not least because they do not have hugely fluctuating hormone levels with which to contend. However, if she is constantly critical of your efforts, perhaps comparing you to herself, your sister or sister-in-law, this can cause friction, which can build up a sense of resentment (on both sides) and adversely affect your enjoyment of the early days with your baby. She may find it difficult to accept that many theories about childcare and raising children have changed since she was a new mother, such as the use of ‘on demand breastfeeding’, involvement of your partner in caring for your baby or the fact that you want to go back to work fairly soon after the birth. It can be hard to accept unwanted advice with good grace but it may reduce tensions if you can do this. Try telling her that your ideas are based on good sources of information from books/the Internet/antenatal classes, thank her for her thoughts and put them to one side for later consideration. Remember that this is your baby and you are entitled to do things your own way, but be careful not to over-react to her suggestions simply because you are feeling unsure.

Siblings
Your other children may respond to the arrival of your new baby in a variety of different ways. Small children are often disillusioned that the baby is not yet ready to play with them, and may even be disappointed about the baby’s sex, depending on their original wishes. Some parents give siblings a gift ‘from the baby’ but it is wise to keep this small, to avoid the potential impression of offering an apology for bringing home an ‘interloper’. Give your child as much time as you can and involve her in helping you to look after the new arrival. Even a toddler can hand you a nappy or gently stroke your new baby’s face to try to stop him crying. Take some photographs of your child sitting on the sofa and holding your baby so that she feels important; perhaps she could take the photograph to nursery school to show everyone. If you are breastfeeding your baby, let your child sit with you and try to put your other arm round her so that she does not feel left out. With toddlers and very young children, there can be signs of regression to infancy such as wanting to go on your breast again (usually this is just a request for attention and she will probably not try it more than a couple of times), or starting to wet the bed or eating with a baby spoon. Sibling rivalry can be exhibited with anger, tears, frustration and misbehaviour or, occasionally, with exaggeratedly good behaviour and expressions of undying love for the new arrival. These should not normally be a problem and usually settle down fairly quickly but if you are worried, contact your health visitor or family doctor. Set a few simple boundaries that your child can understand, such as not picking the baby up when you are not there and not touching him with toys (exuberance can mean that ‘touch’ is rather more forceful than they intended). Be gentle but firm and consistent with your rules and discipline so that she understands that your baby is here to stay.

If your other children start behaving badly, try not to reprimand them too much, or do so in such as way that they will not come to resent the new baby. Positive ‘carrots’ are better than negative ‘sticks’!